Night Reflections

Actually I did sleep some last night. But I felt like, after a night's reflections, that a follow up would be appropriate. And chatting with a couple of friends, I'm kind of putting together what seems to be... I don't know... a picture?

So rather than post everything here, I'm going to take the initiative and try to talk to my friends about it. That was my first mistake. I should have gone back to that house after I ate, and talked to them about it right there. Because I'm going to guess they had no idea how I felt.

I don't know. :-/

DAY AFTER EDIT: The feelings I have are true here. I feel like an outsider sometimes. I don't know what more I can do that is within my capacities or knowledge to change that. But most of the emotion written here was written in the moment, when I was feeling worst about myself and the situation. So keep that in mind, and fuck it. My friends are cool, but I don't share all the same interests or knowledge that they do. And thats more or less normal.

Today was a particularly hard day to swallow. Today is not a day I want to repeat. But the problem is this: I don't know what to do to assure it doesn't. I mean it was... distressing... enough for me to actually blog about my feelings. Something I next to never do.

I suppose I have been feeling... low... lately. I wouldn't call it depression, so much as this weird feeling of honestly not belonging. At least not entirely. I'm an oval in a room full of circles, if you'll pardon the utterly lame image. I've always had at least some self-esteem problems. I was bullied and teased as a child. And so I compensated by trying to out-wit or out-think everybody else. Of course I rarely could, at least at a younger age, because I was painfully shy. Eventually I could- I grew up, made friends... but in a weird way it was those sort of mocking middle school year sorts of friendships where its cool to insult and belittle each other nearly constantly. It was a game. But was it really the right thing to do, to help along our friendships? Now obviously, we were all kidding. After all, we were friends...

Anyway... I'm sort of massively diverging here. One of many, I imagine, to come. There was a since of belonging to that group. And belonging- fitting in- is fairly important. Not necessarily vital but still... important. And when you move halfway across the country, with no support net- no family or friends within 1,200 miles- you are taking a huge step. My Dad likes to think I was really brave. And yeah okay, on some level I was. Fine, I can acknowledge that. But I left that support system behind. Soooo... was I brave or just monumentally stupid?

And really, ever since, I've been trying to rebuild it. I am an introvert. I recharge by being 'in my head' rather than being very social. But when you move away from everything and settle into a world with nothing, you very quickly realize what absolute bullshit the terms introvert and extrovert are. Everybody needs people, no matter what we claim, no matter what brave face we put forward. The sound of your own voice, thoughts, feelings, needs, reflecting off the wall for no one to hear or respond to is a crushing thing, extrovert or introvert.

The problem with moving across the country alone is that you are starting over. Your family and friends elsewhere... they love you. Oh yes. But there is always a desire to be close to someone close. And so you form friendships. And you want to include them in your world. And whether or not you intend it, those friendships often become a sort of second family. On some level, even subconsciously, I think we all look for those connections. We want to find people that we connect with.

I know good people here in Seattle. I've made some good friends. I have... well, interesting, coworkers. They're nice, but they are an entire generation or more older than I, so its difficult to connect with them. They are busily being grandmothers and contemplating retirement. I'm contemplating my place in Seattle, finding meaningful connections and occasionally daring to dream that someday, I'll meet a nice guy who I click with, and maybe- just maybe- I will get to actually have a boyfriend.

Again... I digress. I suppose I want to feel connected. Lately... I haven't. And I don't know if its me and I'm going through a bout of the doldrums, or what. My self-esteem feels way low. Ok- purposeful digression. Its ironic... when I weighed 300lbs., I was sort of consigned to it. I wanted to fix it, I doubted I ever would. And so I looked in the mirror, frowned a little and then shrugged it off. C'est la vie. But now, 100lbs. later... I am almost less confident and more aware of my esteem. And I think its because I realized that ack! Actually I can do something about my weight, and its.,.. hard as Hell, yes, but its very possible.

And so now I actually CARE about this thing, which means when I look in the mirror, I DO see something that not only can be fixed, but is actually going in the opposite direction. And so its like this whole other thing... its a Pandora's Box. I have tasted a slimmer life, but it is SO HARD to maintain. And so, of course, you get to feeling guilty about it. And so what do you do when you feel guilty? Indulge. Its a very vicious circle.

So that, certainly, is a battle issue. One I suspect MANY people cope with on the day to day basis. I am not special there. So I'll end this little digression here.

I have formed friendships with people I like... I am by nature a sort of quiet person... I hate confrontation, mostly because its a fairly constant part of my job. I am bad at communicating my feelings, mostly because I don't feel like I can. I fear being mocked or dismissed out of hand. I feel like I am imposing upon my friends by sharing. i don't want to be that guy that whines. And I am not the type to say, "Can I come too?!" when they propose something, because again, in my mind it is an imposition. If they wanted me along, they'd invite me, right? Thats how my mind thinks. And of course I want to be invited along. I enjoy hanging out with my friends.

I guess sometimes I feel really 'tacked on.' Almost like an afterthought. I'm included because I happen to contact them when they're already doing something. or I'm in the room. And of course the feeling is one that creates a strong notion that, "I am an outsider." I have me, and my creativity, and my family, and my job. And I want to feel like I do have friendships... I think I do, certainly. And that is kind of awesome. But everybody wants to feel like they belong. I honestly do not think my friends would intentionally make me feel like an outsider. Thats important to note.

But tonight... and really the last couple of weekends, I have. I've been in the position several times that people are talking or interacting around me, especially of late. I'm there... but I'm not really there. I hesitate to use the word, but I'm like... a sideshow. Or a distraction. And thats awfully strong, I don't think its honestly that bad... but I'm lacking lesser equivalents. And so this is happening, I'm quietly enduring it, doing my best... and then BOOM! Everybody is going in different directions, getting ready for the next leg of the night and... I'm not really included, by either default decisions made around me, or by circumstance.

Anyway.

Well... tonight sucked. I felt superfluous, and I could sense very quickly that while it was likely not intended, I was going to be interacted around. They had this whole HUGE thing worked out and it was going to be effing awesome- they had a plan, the stuff, they had the manpower between the three of them and... oh yeah, I was there too. *awkward wave and grimace* Definitely not supposed to be there. They went to go get food and they were jazzed up and ready, and they were SO DIGGING this awesome mac n cheese and joking around about these monster, massive burgers for dinner. And there they were, all asking each other what were they going to watch? And there was some great energy in the room.

But I wasn't part of it. It was directed amongst them, not any notion of us. At all. I was acknowledged by one of them during the time I was there. I was so fucking embarrassed. I was so looking forward to hanging out, like we all sort of do on Saturdays and Fridays. I felt so out of place and so awkward. I said I was going to go get some food... the reaction was akin to, "Yeah you do that!" Then right back to each other. I felt so... in the way. Honestly, the word is unwelcome or unintended. I still do. Obviously. I mean I'm writing this. I must be upset, because I never write about my feelings. The fact that I keep coming back and adding more to it even after two hours... I still feel bad.

So... I went and got food. And just... thought. These people are usually pretty cool. But do they really want me around? Am I a friend or am I actually just 'that guy?' When I hang out with them, I want to be included. Everybody wants to feel included, right? Am I full of shit here? If I don't have a place, then I probably shouldn't be there. That doesn't make anything easier, but its true. Walking home feeling rejected and in the way is no more fun that sitting at home, wondering if anyone wants to hang out. I just don't know what to make of it... I used to feel welcome. But... tonight was terrible. And the last couple weeks... something is off. I mean I really do feel awful, and awkward and rejected.

Clearly I am not the rock or island I sometimes wish to be, or may or may not appear to be. I need friendships like the rest of the world. And I need a feeling of belonging. I am recalling what my friend Pavel told me awhile back, about expecting nothing and being pleasantly surprised. He was referring to be invited to hang out as well. I go into weekends wanting to see friends. To be very honest here, my weekdays exhaust me. Anyway. Pavel does something a bit different- he expects to hang out by himself, and sometimes plans change. He might have the right idea. Its just... hard to implement this I guess.

So yeah. Here I am. Talking to my blog. Thats probably not going to solve anything. And I don't feel better, really. I don't want to jeopardize friendships either... they mean a good deal to me... and me talking about my frustrations shouldn't be a threat to that. I just wish I had answers... what changed, I guess, is the question in my head the most. Maybe I'm reading into things too much, out of stress and sleep deprivation... but I don't think so.

Anyway. I'm shutting up now.

Legend of the Five Rings

I'm taking a little break from the photography aspect of this blog, though I do owe an update on my progress.

Instead, for the last couple of days I have been painfully mulling around in my head what to play for Ghen-ki's 'Legend of the Five Rings' short campaign. Its only going to last a few sessions- two to four at best. I've never played it before and so I've been trying to figure out what a good first character might be.

I'm somewhat wanting to use this opportunity to play something that is not normally 'me,' and yet I am admittedly shy of straying. I play with some really dynamic, experienced players and its incredibly intimidating. But I am (at least as if this moment) determined not to be overshadowed and sidelined by other great players and their characters, even though I am by nature not a powerhouse type of player.

I think one of the first things I best cast aside is any notion of a character who will, 'make the world a better place for all.' I have a tendency to take a highly idealized approach to gaming, where 'everybody wins,' especially the players. This is somewhat hard to explain, as the goal of roleplaying is often to play in a world where the goal is to make 'the world a better place.' However, everybody has a different view of this and I am, apparently, a little rosey-tinted.

I tend to play the facilitators, the compromisers, the acquiescers (yes I see you, little red line telling me thats not a word... I lack a better term). And while that is entirely me as a person, it seldom seems to work well in a roleplaying setting. At least, not well if you want to feel integral to the outcome. I also play the idealists...

... Which is somewhat ironic to me because I also tend to play characters who are sneaky. A better world through stealth and treachery and all that jazz. Hmmm. Interesting. Weird. I rarely play characters of direct, decisive and brutal action. The 'goodness' in me wants to avoid the fight, convert the enemy or out-think him, or failing that, weaken him to such a degree that he is foolish to stand in our way.

However, for the most part this strategy has not really worked. My friends are the decisive action sort, thus I am often sidelined by direct action rather than the indirect, as the world works. And so here I am. Considering what I should 'go back to.'

I am, however, fighting myself here. I am, by preference, subtle. I seek synergy and harmony and collaboration in life, a gradual building of ideas and refining process until total agreement is made. I don't like 'disagreeing' with people, or confrontation. The thing I must do, then, is 'suspend myself.' I'm not playing myself in these games. But how do I do this and still assure that my character is fun? This is where I'm having some difficulty.

So I'm trying to narrow down the things that I should try to work on.

- Decisiveness. I need to work on playing a character who is 'more direct.' I let metagame commentary influence my actions and force me into second thinking too often. Too often, it leads me into deference to someone else. It might be helpful to them, and they may be trying to be helpful to me. But ultimately I end up feeling deferential and ineffective.

- Focusing. I have found, especially in my recent experiences with Amber, that I tend to 'generalize' a character. I want to be an effective pillar of support for all, and to do that, one often has to have a general, overarcing set of skills and abilities. But I seldom tend to grab a single discipline and run wild with it as a defining motif. The result is a character that can do much, but nothing spectacularly. A lot of my generalization of character is really an attempt to plug the holes and weaknesses of the group as a whole. Again, very much a support role.

- Confrontation. I need to stop fearing confrontations in-game, both with Non-Player opponents and potentially, with my fellow players. My experiences with Amber has taught me that I am, again, very much the facilitator and idealist. I don't tend to lose myself in ruthlessness or confrontation, especially when it comes to my fellow players. But I play with friends who are not necessarily against this. In fact, individual goals seem to be even more important than an overriding group goal at times. We are, after all, individuals.

- No more over-thinking. I do this a lot. In fact, this entire blog entry might be considered an exercise in overthinking (I'd like to think I'm analyzing myself and trying to gain something from it- no big epiphanies so far though). I have always wanted to pull off a grandiose scheme, even when a simple, direct solution would be best. Its really weird.

I will admit... I have aspirations for taking on a role that I have never succeeded in- a 'social-fu' character. Someone who is confident enough to take on the GM on a social level and attempt to be a successful, meaningful facet that can help steer the game. I'm not sure I can pull this off. Ghen-ki is an eloquent, and well-thought out individual. And while I would very much like to believe I am capable of eloquence, I understand that any I have is entirely in the world of writing. Here, I can dwell and consider my next move. In roleplay, I don't have the luxury to 'dwell.' My fellow players do not give me the chance to 'think,' and while I am witty when I am comfortable, I am seldom comfortable enough to do this in this kind of situation.

Which really annoys me, because I think a Crane or Scorpion Courtier would be really interesting. But I honestly am uncertain that I could pull this off. If I am going to be decisive, I should. And that bears some further soul-searching.

Certainly one of the most 'direct' and least over-thinking characters might be this notion of a Crab Hiruma Scout. I have rarely if ever played a direct 'fighter' in a game. I guess, somewhere in me, I always looked at them as the least interesting characters. They smash. They grab. They kill the bad guys. You play them in pretty much every video game imaginable. Theres not much thought here, at least not outside of combat. Now a Samurai is kind of unique in this instance. If we go by the 'historical Samurai' he was as much of an artist, gentleman and administrator as a warrior. But a historical Samurai is not an L5R Samurai, at least not one that really stands out. I have like 45 points so I better make them count.

My gut is to play something comfortable, like a Pheonix Shugenja or Courtier, who can pull off interesting (or to some, annoying) bits of lore-fu. Unfortunately in most games this is a fairly useless thing, and again, it leads to over-thinking on my part. And again, it would be a support character who offers only background and, in the end, would be quashed under the 'might makes right' mentality of a powerful Bushi. So... I really should just push aside this tendency.

Ahh... why must character decision be such a torturous affair to me?

New Kowloon/New Hong Kong

I love dimsum. I really love dimsum. But what can I say. Today was a just a little disturbing.

So I got together with my friend Pavel this morning for a little down at the New Hong Kong Restaurant down in the International District. We were getting together because we hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks and wanted to catch up. I brought the new camera so Pavel could see how it compared to his own. And we, of course, partook in dimsum. Delicious, delicious dimsum.

Normally, I like New Hong Kong just a little over House of Hong. Its very comparable in taste, price and presentation with one notable exception...

... House of Hong has not yet introduced glass into their meatballs. I was fortunate not to be the one to make that discovery, but unfortunately, Pavel was. And theres nothing quite like biting into meat and feeling something bite back. At least so I hear.

It was fortunate that Pavel was not injured. The people there were kind enough to take the meatballs off our ticket and gave a further discount. They were very apologetic. But... thats still a little scary!

Hole in the Wall BBQ

Taking a step away from my shutterbugging for a moment, I'm going to remark on my lunch experience today.

I almost didn't go to lunch with Ben, Jerry and some of their Amazon co-workers today because Jerry mentioned that this would have to be a real 'quick' lunch. So I had images of dashing down to Pine St. to catch the bus to the International District only to be spending fifteen or twenty minutes with them. And then having to walk the 1.5ish miles home (because I do that to myself... I have to justify calories. I realize this is alien thinking to most of you. Take the bus, dumbass, you say).

Yeah, turns out Amazon's idea of a 'quickie' is my idea of long and leisurely. At Swedish/Chief Sealth, the kids and our staff get about forty five minutes on a good day, and its not duty-free. My idea of a 'quickie' is like fifteen minutes to stuff my face before I have to go back downstairs.

I am clearly working with the wrong organization here.

So with that said, we went to a new place (for me) today. Chuck's Hole in the Wall BBQ. So... before today, I have not found any real good BBQ in town that I was willing to jump on. I haven't looked that hard because I assumed there wouldn't be much but... eh. Yeah. Anyway. So while I have nothing official to base this on, I'm going to go ahead and call it some damned good BBQ. Maybe the best in Seattle, but that judgment is from friends only.

I got the pulled pork sandwich, "wet" (extra sauce) and "hot" (a sprinkle of hot stuff) and it was sooooo worth it. I find it very cool that the sauce has coffee integrated into its recipe (what else can you expect from Seattle, right?). I'm not sure if its psychosomatic and because I know it has coffee in it, I could taste it, but there is a special 'something' in there that I attribute to the flavor of coffee. On a continuum between vinegary and sweet, it notches towards the sweet, but not the sickly, sticky sweet of some midwestern stuff (which I tend to loathe). Its more reminiscent of a sweeter Texas-style and its really messy.

My friend Paul got a 'Pig with Lipstick' which is their version of very traditional 'southern-style' pulled-pork BBQ- pickles and cole slaw on top. I am a big fan of this. So I'll be trying that next time.

Madcap Shutterbugging

So over the last two days, I have been ravaging Seattle like Godzilla with a camera, kind of taking aim at anything I pretty much could in an attempt to learn my new camera's settings. I've been screwing around with the F and ISO settings, and trying to figure out the focal points and such within the viewfinder. While I feel like I am making some food progress, I know I have quite a ways to go. As per the instructions of my friends Forrest and Ben, I have completely abandoned all 'automatic' settings and am completely doing this by hand now.

One issue I am encountering is one of the 'true picture' versus what the live view is telling me what it will look like. I doubt there is any way around this- its a smaller, more condensed pic and its going to vary a little bit on coloration and such depending on the angle I hold it at. This is primarily an issue when it comes to light saturation when I'm tinkering with ISO and F, and at night when the small pic looks awesome but the big one is still squiggy.

But hey! Nothing I can do about that, so I wasted a paragraph. I just thought I'd mention it. Having said that, I can see some improvements. Unfortunately I lack a bus terminal at 11pm with a leather jacket-toting friend to try and recreate Day 1. I'll just have to wait until next Wednesday for that.

One of my original theories on my failure at night was that I needed a tripod. And while I still believe this would be helpful, I no longer believe it to be the sole overriding factor of my earlier failure with Ghen-ki. Below, I've taken two shots towards SLU/Downtown from my rooftop deck. One is with the camera balanced carefully on an undisturbed flat surface. The other, is taken in my hands.
Oddly enough the more 'level-looking' was taken by my hands. I also succeeded in the following with just my hands.
I played with my settings a lot and I found HUGE discrepancies between the effects of the sky and my pictures based on where I aimed my camera's focal point. In some, it was 'nearly day' looking, while in others, it appeared to be very 'night like.' I'm guessing the focal points (and possibly the annoying spotlight on the roof) had a lot of say in this. For instance. In the following attempt of downtown, I 'aimed high' and the result is a squiggy, crappy piece of the 'near day.'

However, the piece exactly before (below), I 'aimed low.' I made no changes to ISO, F or where I was focused, nor to my focal points (I don't think).
The result is painfully 2-D and far too dark (despite it being only 6:20pm at the time). So this definitely merits further study... I just wish I knew where to start!!

D-90, the First Run!

I noticed the difference in the quality of pictures immediately, between my new D-90 and my old Coolpix. With a little finagling. I think I'm beginning to learn how to program some of the things like shutter speed and how that relates to light. What I cannot seem to figure out is why my night shots remain blurry.

All night during our Amber game, I was off and on fidgeting with the settings and picking on poor Nick. I was trying how to use the passive light (rather than the flash) to take pictures in a lower light situation, like a house with lighting in the evening. This does create a yellowish-tint to the picture, but my real issue is the blur!

Anyway at the bus station, I was able to take great low-light pictures of the static, surrounding background as below.
But when it came time to try and frame up Ghen-ki, I hit a wall. He is quite blurry! Yet the background is pretty sharp. As seen below...I suspected I might have been off on what I was trying to focus on (the D-90 seems to have focus points in the viewfinder, though as of yet I do not understand precisely how they work). We were having a shutter speed issue at first with how I was pressing the shutter button (Ghen-ki was doing it correctly). But I think we resolved that.

In the end, my best result was as follows:And while I deem this a good first run, Ghen-ki is still clearly blurry and lacking in detail.

Well, hopefully I can figure out what I am doing wrong. :-/

My last frustration is an ancient one. I can't seem to keep a steady enough hand at night for those so-coveted night skyline shots. Here is my attempt with the Space Needle...