Actually I did sleep some last night. But I felt like, after a night's reflections, that a follow up would be appropriate. And chatting with a couple of friends, I'm kind of putting together what seems to be... I don't know... a picture?
So rather than post everything here, I'm going to take the initiative and try to talk to my friends about it. That was my first mistake. I should have gone back to that house after I ate, and talked to them about it right there. Because I'm going to guess they had no idea how I felt.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I don't know. :-/
DAY AFTER EDIT: The feelings I have are true here. I feel like an outsider sometimes. I don't know what more I can do that is within my capacities or knowledge to change that. But most of the emotion written here was written in the moment, when I was feeling worst about myself and the situation. So keep that in mind, and fuck it. My friends are cool, but I don't share all the same interests or knowledge that they do. And thats more or less normal.
Today was a particularly hard day to swallow. Today is not a day I want to repeat. But the problem is this: I don't know what to do to assure it doesn't. I mean it was... distressing... enough for me to actually blog about my feelings. Something I next to never do.
I suppose I have been feeling... low... lately. I wouldn't call it depression, so much as this weird feeling of honestly not belonging. At least not entirely. I'm an oval in a room full of circles, if you'll pardon the utterly lame image. I've always had at least some self-esteem problems. I was bullied and teased as a child. And so I compensated by trying to out-wit or out-think everybody else. Of course I rarely could, at least at a younger age, because I was painfully shy. Eventually I could- I grew up, made friends... but in a weird way it was those sort of mocking middle school year sorts of friendships where its cool to insult and belittle each other nearly constantly. It was a game. But was it really the right thing to do, to help along our friendships? Now obviously, we were all kidding. After all, we were friends...
Anyway... I'm sort of massively diverging here. One of many, I imagine, to come. There was a since of belonging to that group. And belonging- fitting in- is fairly important. Not necessarily vital but still... important. And when you move halfway across the country, with no support net- no family or friends within 1,200 miles- you are taking a huge step. My Dad likes to think I was really brave. And yeah okay, on some level I was. Fine, I can acknowledge that. But I left that support system behind. Soooo... was I brave or just monumentally stupid?
And really, ever since, I've been trying to rebuild it. I am an introvert. I recharge by being 'in my head' rather than being very social. But when you move away from everything and settle into a world with nothing, you very quickly realize what absolute bullshit the terms introvert and extrovert are. Everybody needs people, no matter what we claim, no matter what brave face we put forward. The sound of your own voice, thoughts, feelings, needs, reflecting off the wall for no one to hear or respond to is a crushing thing, extrovert or introvert.
The problem with moving across the country alone is that you are starting over. Your family and friends elsewhere... they love you. Oh yes. But there is always a desire to be close to someone close. And so you form friendships. And you want to include them in your world. And whether or not you intend it, those friendships often become a sort of second family. On some level, even subconsciously, I think we all look for those connections. We want to find people that we connect with.
I know good people here in Seattle. I've made some good friends. I have... well, interesting, coworkers. They're nice, but they are an entire generation or more older than I, so its difficult to connect with them. They are busily being grandmothers and contemplating retirement. I'm contemplating my place in Seattle, finding meaningful connections and occasionally daring to dream that someday, I'll meet a nice guy who I click with, and maybe- just maybe- I will get to actually have a boyfriend.
Again... I digress. I suppose I want to feel connected. Lately... I haven't. And I don't know if its me and I'm going through a bout of the doldrums, or what. My self-esteem feels way low. Ok- purposeful digression. Its ironic... when I weighed 300lbs., I was sort of consigned to it. I wanted to fix it, I doubted I ever would. And so I looked in the mirror, frowned a little and then shrugged it off. C'est la vie. But now, 100lbs. later... I am almost less confident and more aware of my esteem. And I think its because I realized that ack! Actually I can do something about my weight, and its.,.. hard as Hell, yes, but its very possible.
And so now I actually CARE about this thing, which means when I look in the mirror, I DO see something that not only can be fixed, but is actually going in the opposite direction. And so its like this whole other thing... its a Pandora's Box. I have tasted a slimmer life, but it is SO HARD to maintain. And so, of course, you get to feeling guilty about it. And so what do you do when you feel guilty? Indulge. Its a very vicious circle.
So that, certainly, is a battle issue. One I suspect MANY people cope with on the day to day basis. I am not special there. So I'll end this little digression here.
I have formed friendships with people I like... I am by nature a sort of quiet person... I hate confrontation, mostly because its a fairly constant part of my job. I am bad at communicating my feelings, mostly because I don't feel like I can. I fear being mocked or dismissed out of hand. I feel like I am imposing upon my friends by sharing. i don't want to be that guy that whines. And I am not the type to say, "Can I come too?!" when they propose something, because again, in my mind it is an imposition. If they wanted me along, they'd invite me, right? Thats how my mind thinks. And of course I want to be invited along. I enjoy hanging out with my friends.
I guess sometimes I feel really 'tacked on.' Almost like an afterthought. I'm included because I happen to contact them when they're already doing something. or I'm in the room. And of course the feeling is one that creates a strong notion that, "I am an outsider." I have me, and my creativity, and my family, and my job. And I want to feel like I do have friendships... I think I do, certainly. And that is kind of awesome. But everybody wants to feel like they belong. I honestly do not think my friends would intentionally make me feel like an outsider. Thats important to note.
But tonight... and really the last couple of weekends, I have. I've been in the position several times that people are talking or interacting around me, especially of late. I'm there... but I'm not really there. I hesitate to use the word, but I'm like... a sideshow. Or a distraction. And thats awfully strong, I don't think its honestly that bad... but I'm lacking lesser equivalents. And so this is happening, I'm quietly enduring it, doing my best... and then BOOM! Everybody is going in different directions, getting ready for the next leg of the night and... I'm not really included, by either default decisions made around me, or by circumstance.
Anyway.
Well... tonight sucked. I felt superfluous, and I could sense very quickly that while it was likely not intended, I was going to be interacted around. They had this whole HUGE thing worked out and it was going to be effing awesome- they had a plan, the stuff, they had the manpower between the three of them and... oh yeah, I was there too. *awkward wave and grimace* Definitely not supposed to be there. They went to go get food and they were jazzed up and ready, and they were SO DIGGING this awesome mac n cheese and joking around about these monster, massive burgers for dinner. And there they were, all asking each other what were they going to watch? And there was some great energy in the room.
But I wasn't part of it. It was directed amongst them, not any notion of us. At all. I was acknowledged by one of them during the time I was there. I was so fucking embarrassed. I was so looking forward to hanging out, like we all sort of do on Saturdays and Fridays. I felt so out of place and so awkward. I said I was going to go get some food... the reaction was akin to, "Yeah you do that!" Then right back to each other. I felt so... in the way. Honestly, the word is unwelcome or unintended. I still do. Obviously. I mean I'm writing this. I must be upset, because I never write about my feelings. The fact that I keep coming back and adding more to it even after two hours... I still feel bad.
So... I went and got food. And just... thought. These people are usually pretty cool. But do they really want me around? Am I a friend or am I actually just 'that guy?' When I hang out with them, I want to be included. Everybody wants to feel included, right? Am I full of shit here? If I don't have a place, then I probably shouldn't be there. That doesn't make anything easier, but its true. Walking home feeling rejected and in the way is no more fun that sitting at home, wondering if anyone wants to hang out. I just don't know what to make of it... I used to feel welcome. But... tonight was terrible. And the last couple weeks... something is off. I mean I really do feel awful, and awkward and rejected.
Clearly I am not the rock or island I sometimes wish to be, or may or may not appear to be. I need friendships like the rest of the world. And I need a feeling of belonging. I am recalling what my friend Pavel told me awhile back, about expecting nothing and being pleasantly surprised. He was referring to be invited to hang out as well. I go into weekends wanting to see friends. To be very honest here, my weekdays exhaust me. Anyway. Pavel does something a bit different- he expects to hang out by himself, and sometimes plans change. He might have the right idea. Its just... hard to implement this I guess.
So yeah. Here I am. Talking to my blog. Thats probably not going to solve anything. And I don't feel better, really. I don't want to jeopardize friendships either... they mean a good deal to me... and me talking about my frustrations shouldn't be a threat to that. I just wish I had answers... what changed, I guess, is the question in my head the most. Maybe I'm reading into things too much, out of stress and sleep deprivation... but I don't think so.
Anyway. I'm shutting up now.
Today was a particularly hard day to swallow. Today is not a day I want to repeat. But the problem is this: I don't know what to do to assure it doesn't. I mean it was... distressing... enough for me to actually blog about my feelings. Something I next to never do.
I suppose I have been feeling... low... lately. I wouldn't call it depression, so much as this weird feeling of honestly not belonging. At least not entirely. I'm an oval in a room full of circles, if you'll pardon the utterly lame image. I've always had at least some self-esteem problems. I was bullied and teased as a child. And so I compensated by trying to out-wit or out-think everybody else. Of course I rarely could, at least at a younger age, because I was painfully shy. Eventually I could- I grew up, made friends... but in a weird way it was those sort of mocking middle school year sorts of friendships where its cool to insult and belittle each other nearly constantly. It was a game. But was it really the right thing to do, to help along our friendships? Now obviously, we were all kidding. After all, we were friends...
Anyway... I'm sort of massively diverging here. One of many, I imagine, to come. There was a since of belonging to that group. And belonging- fitting in- is fairly important. Not necessarily vital but still... important. And when you move halfway across the country, with no support net- no family or friends within 1,200 miles- you are taking a huge step. My Dad likes to think I was really brave. And yeah okay, on some level I was. Fine, I can acknowledge that. But I left that support system behind. Soooo... was I brave or just monumentally stupid?
And really, ever since, I've been trying to rebuild it. I am an introvert. I recharge by being 'in my head' rather than being very social. But when you move away from everything and settle into a world with nothing, you very quickly realize what absolute bullshit the terms introvert and extrovert are. Everybody needs people, no matter what we claim, no matter what brave face we put forward. The sound of your own voice, thoughts, feelings, needs, reflecting off the wall for no one to hear or respond to is a crushing thing, extrovert or introvert.
The problem with moving across the country alone is that you are starting over. Your family and friends elsewhere... they love you. Oh yes. But there is always a desire to be close to someone close. And so you form friendships. And you want to include them in your world. And whether or not you intend it, those friendships often become a sort of second family. On some level, even subconsciously, I think we all look for those connections. We want to find people that we connect with.
I know good people here in Seattle. I've made some good friends. I have... well, interesting, coworkers. They're nice, but they are an entire generation or more older than I, so its difficult to connect with them. They are busily being grandmothers and contemplating retirement. I'm contemplating my place in Seattle, finding meaningful connections and occasionally daring to dream that someday, I'll meet a nice guy who I click with, and maybe- just maybe- I will get to actually have a boyfriend.
Again... I digress. I suppose I want to feel connected. Lately... I haven't. And I don't know if its me and I'm going through a bout of the doldrums, or what. My self-esteem feels way low. Ok- purposeful digression. Its ironic... when I weighed 300lbs., I was sort of consigned to it. I wanted to fix it, I doubted I ever would. And so I looked in the mirror, frowned a little and then shrugged it off. C'est la vie. But now, 100lbs. later... I am almost less confident and more aware of my esteem. And I think its because I realized that ack! Actually I can do something about my weight, and its.,.. hard as Hell, yes, but its very possible.
And so now I actually CARE about this thing, which means when I look in the mirror, I DO see something that not only can be fixed, but is actually going in the opposite direction. And so its like this whole other thing... its a Pandora's Box. I have tasted a slimmer life, but it is SO HARD to maintain. And so, of course, you get to feeling guilty about it. And so what do you do when you feel guilty? Indulge. Its a very vicious circle.
So that, certainly, is a battle issue. One I suspect MANY people cope with on the day to day basis. I am not special there. So I'll end this little digression here.
I have formed friendships with people I like... I am by nature a sort of quiet person... I hate confrontation, mostly because its a fairly constant part of my job. I am bad at communicating my feelings, mostly because I don't feel like I can. I fear being mocked or dismissed out of hand. I feel like I am imposing upon my friends by sharing. i don't want to be that guy that whines. And I am not the type to say, "Can I come too?!" when they propose something, because again, in my mind it is an imposition. If they wanted me along, they'd invite me, right? Thats how my mind thinks. And of course I want to be invited along. I enjoy hanging out with my friends.
I guess sometimes I feel really 'tacked on.' Almost like an afterthought. I'm included because I happen to contact them when they're already doing something. or I'm in the room. And of course the feeling is one that creates a strong notion that, "I am an outsider." I have me, and my creativity, and my family, and my job. And I want to feel like I do have friendships... I think I do, certainly. And that is kind of awesome. But everybody wants to feel like they belong. I honestly do not think my friends would intentionally make me feel like an outsider. Thats important to note.
But tonight... and really the last couple of weekends, I have. I've been in the position several times that people are talking or interacting around me, especially of late. I'm there... but I'm not really there. I hesitate to use the word, but I'm like... a sideshow. Or a distraction. And thats awfully strong, I don't think its honestly that bad... but I'm lacking lesser equivalents. And so this is happening, I'm quietly enduring it, doing my best... and then BOOM! Everybody is going in different directions, getting ready for the next leg of the night and... I'm not really included, by either default decisions made around me, or by circumstance.
Anyway.
Well... tonight sucked. I felt superfluous, and I could sense very quickly that while it was likely not intended, I was going to be interacted around. They had this whole HUGE thing worked out and it was going to be effing awesome- they had a plan, the stuff, they had the manpower between the three of them and... oh yeah, I was there too. *awkward wave and grimace* Definitely not supposed to be there. They went to go get food and they were jazzed up and ready, and they were SO DIGGING this awesome mac n cheese and joking around about these monster, massive burgers for dinner. And there they were, all asking each other what were they going to watch? And there was some great energy in the room.
But I wasn't part of it. It was directed amongst them, not any notion of us. At all. I was acknowledged by one of them during the time I was there. I was so fucking embarrassed. I was so looking forward to hanging out, like we all sort of do on Saturdays and Fridays. I felt so out of place and so awkward. I said I was going to go get some food... the reaction was akin to, "Yeah you do that!" Then right back to each other. I felt so... in the way. Honestly, the word is unwelcome or unintended. I still do. Obviously. I mean I'm writing this. I must be upset, because I never write about my feelings. The fact that I keep coming back and adding more to it even after two hours... I still feel bad.
So... I went and got food. And just... thought. These people are usually pretty cool. But do they really want me around? Am I a friend or am I actually just 'that guy?' When I hang out with them, I want to be included. Everybody wants to feel included, right? Am I full of shit here? If I don't have a place, then I probably shouldn't be there. That doesn't make anything easier, but its true. Walking home feeling rejected and in the way is no more fun that sitting at home, wondering if anyone wants to hang out. I just don't know what to make of it... I used to feel welcome. But... tonight was terrible. And the last couple weeks... something is off. I mean I really do feel awful, and awkward and rejected.
Clearly I am not the rock or island I sometimes wish to be, or may or may not appear to be. I need friendships like the rest of the world. And I need a feeling of belonging. I am recalling what my friend Pavel told me awhile back, about expecting nothing and being pleasantly surprised. He was referring to be invited to hang out as well. I go into weekends wanting to see friends. To be very honest here, my weekdays exhaust me. Anyway. Pavel does something a bit different- he expects to hang out by himself, and sometimes plans change. He might have the right idea. Its just... hard to implement this I guess.
So yeah. Here I am. Talking to my blog. Thats probably not going to solve anything. And I don't feel better, really. I don't want to jeopardize friendships either... they mean a good deal to me... and me talking about my frustrations shouldn't be a threat to that. I just wish I had answers... what changed, I guess, is the question in my head the most. Maybe I'm reading into things too much, out of stress and sleep deprivation... but I don't think so.
Anyway. I'm shutting up now.
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